A while back, a K Weigh client came to me with the hopes of gaining weight. She has always been underweight and wanted to put on weight in a healthy way i.e. without binging on donuts and ice cream. Over the course of working together, we had quite a few heart-to-heart conversations and it was refreshing to hear her perspective especially given a majority of my clients want to lose weight. One thing that struck me was that a number of times people used to go up to her saying she was “too skinny” and that “she probably didn’t eat”. That too, people she didn’t even know. I remember becoming increasingly flabbergasted as the conversation went on for 2 reasons.
Firstly even though most people would joke that ‘needing’ to gain weight would be a dream, I found it shocking that people had no qualms to comment on her size. Chances are those same people wouldn’t dare approach an overweight person and mention his/her size or that he/she eats too much. Underweight or overweight, commenting on someone’s physical appearance so haphazardly & unapologetically is just not acceptable. It’s right next to the politics & religion when it comes to discussion topics- tread carefully.
Secondly I found it amazing how quickly people are to judge. After working with her for several weeks and monitoring her intake and progress, I can vouch that this said girl eats enough to technically gain weight. Is metabolism as black & white? NO! Some people might have a super fast metabolism that simply makes weight gain a challenge…as a super slow metabolism & hormones would affect someone’s weight loss despite eating at a calorie deficit. This encounter with my client got me thinking about how quick we are to judge others when we don’t know the whole story. You know that “lazy” person on the treadmill next to you who’s texting as she walks? Maybe this is a recovery workout. That couple who’ve been married for so many years but yet don’t “want” to have a baby? Maybe they can’t. You know that “glutton” who is tucking into a burger & fries and then goes on to order dessert? Maybe he chowed down a kale salad for lunch. That cashier who gave you attitude earlier? Maybe her boss has been giving her a hard time.
I am no saint and there are a plenty of times where I do judge others without realizing. However I am making a conscious effort to remind myself that I don’t know the full story when judgments creep up. As much as I try to help clients re-gain control of their nutrition and health overall, I’m lucky to be able to take away lessons from them too. And hopefully this post is a good reminder to not be so quick to judge either…at least not without knowing the full story.
No questions but I would love to hear your thoughts on this issue…
Kudos to you, Khushboo on making an effort to remind yourself that there is a story behind everyone and not judging them for their actions. Sometimes, I am guilty of making hasty judgements – specially in traffic – I am a work in progress when it comes to reminding myself that I have no clue what someone else is going through.
But, as far as the comments directed towards skinny people – while I am not condoning them – sometimes, I think it’s because some people think calling someone “skinny anything” is the ultimate compliment – I don’t think it’s right – but, that’s just my two cents. I have had similar conversations with others and that’s my realizations….
You are so right Shashi- I think as a society we are so fixated in looking skinny that we forget that it’s not always a good thing!
Khushboo, there is so, so much truth in this post. I especially love the point about you made about the potential recovery workout girl, and the couple who have been married for years but don’t have kids yet (<—THIS! It's amazing to me how people think it's okay to comment on this issue!). We just don't know what goes on with other people's lives – the phrase "don't judge until you walk a mile in their shoes" seems aptly appropriate. So well said.
Thank you so much, Jen! 🙂
Fantastic post! When I was truly suffering from my ED I got comments all the time about how thin I was and how I just needed ‘a good meal’… That combined with nasty looks from other girls and women simply because I was thin but they didn’t know what was going on inside. Putting on weight was hard work and not as easy as people think, especially when you want to do it a healthy way without eating nasty rubbish foods.
Sometimes we all just shouldn’t presume and make judgement…as you said we don’t know the full story!
Unless someone has experienced needing to lose or gain weight, it’s easy to forget how much of it is mental!
Great topic for a post! I sometimes judge too quickly too, but I try to catch myself and not let it influence what I say/do when I do find myself being judgey. Because like you said, we don’t know the whole story.
Thanks Chelsea :)! It’s good to see you being more cautious about not making judgements without knowing the whole story!
I think every single person has a part of them which is quick to judge but for most of us, it’s subconscious and can often stem from our own insecurities. After personally being on the receiving end of comments on both ends of the spectrum, I’ve learnt to hold my tongue and wait for the full picture to be present before making judgements.
Absolutely- the more okay you are in your own skin, the less you start to notice/care about other people’s flaws & weaknesses.
People need to check themselves. You have NO idea what someone else is dealing with. Not that I’m not guilty too – I think we all are from time to time – but if you take a second to think you’ll often have a cooler head.
Absolutely- just take a second to assess the situation and ask yourself is it worth really criticising!
Love this Khushboo!!
I am also so fed up with this judgemental behavior. I sometimes don’t even understand where those people take the energy from to always care about others. What is wrong with something that feels right for this person? Each its own, right?
I definitely think that we should never judge, even if we know the person. Everyone makes their own decision and that’s just how it should be.
I agree…and if you’re going to critique someone, make it constructive so that you are actually helping (rather than hurting) them!
I used to be so judgmental of other people when I felt insecure about my own body. Nowadays, I don’t give someone’s body/eating habits/lifestyle choices a second thought as it’s none of my business!
For sure- the more comfortable you are in your skin, the less perceptive you are to the flaws of others around you…and the less you give a damn!
I think judgment stems from people’s own issues although I have no idea why they think it’s acceptable to voice their negative opinions. I also don’t understand why it’s alright to make jabs at thin people, although it’s certainly not acceptable to make comments when someone is overweight. I’ve never understood that double standard and again I think it goes back to the person’s own issues. Maybe they comment on thinness in a negative fashion because it’s something they idolize. Most people don’t wish to be overweight so far less criticism comes with that.
I remember last July the Hubby and I were taking our cat to the vet to be put to sleep. We were on a residential street, driving slow because I was holding my furry friend in my lap, cherishing those last few moments with him and some car was tailgating us pretty badly. It was crazy and I thought imagine if this guy understood why we were actually driving slow. People don’t know the whole story and they shouldn’t assume.
Lovely post.
Oh goodness I am so sorry to hear about your cat and having to experience the tailgating – seriously…if only they knew why you were driving so slowly!
That’s a really important message I wish more people would keep in mind. Actually, I wrote a very similar post last July because I’ve been on both the receiving and giving [though the latter only in my thoughts, not out loud] end of these kind of comments in the past. It’s the reason I used to shy away from wearing certain dresses in past summers instead wearing cardigans on top even on hot days. It’s not easy to supress the thoughts coming to mind when we see a very thin or more heavily built person but: practice makes perfect. We’d probably all do well practicing a little more every day.
Absolutely…and sometimes you gotta just fake it till you make it a genuine feeling and stop being so affected by those around you!
So much truth in this post, lady. Love it. I’ve definitely made my fair share of judgments over the years, but I feel like it’s gotten a lot better since I’ve had to deal with my own issues during and after my ED. I think going through all that really made me a lot more understanding with other people… and made me realize that you never really know the entire story so you’re not in a position to judge. Getting those comments is hurtful, especially when there’s often not much truth behind them…
Thanks Amanda :)! And as sucky as receiving the comments were at the time, they’ve only made you a better & more receptive person!
This is something I’m really trying to work on as well, and your example shared here is the perfect one. We never know the whole story and there is ALWAYS more to it than meets the eye. I remind myself of this all the time. And I think the golden rule applies here as well – treat others the way you would want to be treated…cut them some slack because you’d want the same done for you! GREAT POST!!
Thanks so much, P :)! And yes about the golden rule- so much truth!
This is a great article. I’m going thru this at the moment cuz everyone keeps telling me i need to gain weight and I AM TRYING.. but I can’t stuff my face with cupcakes either. Your article is so great that you inspired me to write about my experience now. Thank you!
Thanks Nisha- sorry to hear you are experiencing something similar. I would love to read your post when it’s up – please let me know!
People are very quick to judge. I think often they see someone else in a bad situation and want to invent a reason why they, themselves, could not be in that bad situation. So they whip up some moralistic reason for the other person’s condition, a reason they feel they would never fall prey to. It’s to create a safe sense of distance for themselves, the opposite of empathy.
I didn’t think of it like that- I guess criticism is almost like a defence mechanism for denial!
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Love this post! I relate to your client’s experience so, so much. People judge me on sight, and tell me to go eat a burger or a cupcake or something. I’m trying really hard, but people don’t see that – they just see a really skinny girl. Knowing that, though, has made me realize that you don’t see the whole story for pretty much anyone and I feel that that’s made me a more caring, sympathetic person in general.
Sorry to hear you’ve been on the receiving end of judgement. I love that you have channelled that negativity into making you a better person 🙂
A great post and so very true. This past year I am very diligent about trying not to judge. It’s easier to judge than it is to find out the truth. We don’t want others to judge us. We shouldn’t judge others.
Exactly- that whole ‘treat others the way you want to be treated’ cliche has so much truth to it, Diana :)!
Good reminders, Khushboo. I have been constantly reminding myself as the years go by that you never really know what a person may be going through in their own life so we should never be too quick to judge. I know others have done this to me, even when I was at my lowest weight and needed to gain weight, I got tired of the constant comments on how I should “eat a burger” and how they “wished they were as skinny as I was!”. But they didn’t know I was struggling with body image and eating issues. Thankfully I’m a long way from that state now, but it’s a reminder to me.
Sorry you had to be on the receiving end of those kinds of comments, Kaylin…but I”m also so glad to hear that you are beyond that – only a sign of progress :)!
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